Unique Merchandise

This post is going to be one of those things that started out as one idea and ended up something completely different.

The original post idea was going to be a gripe about the official Ben Folds website, www.benfolds.com, and how although it seems very expensive and it checks all the boxes, it doesn't feel very intimate. This site just doesn't match Ben Folds style. For a man who has made a career of self-deprecating humor and intimate stories in his songs, this feels so...sterile and cold. It feels like a website never even seen by Folds and created by a publicist.

Although I stand by this issue, there isn't much else to say. My attention turned to a different post idea with a look at the merch store. I noticed an... interesting item, which made me think of some other items I've seen in official merchandise stores. This blog is, indeed, an examination of some of the stranger music merchandise offered in official stores.

The interest for me in many of these items is not so much the item itself, but in how it would need to be purchased. A heat of the moment buy at a concert is one thing, but imputing personal details and waiting weeks (or probably less in the US) for the item to arrive seems like an odd system for some of these items. This is best shown by the first item, which inspired this post. Ladies, gentlemen and most of all, spam-bots, I present...

1. Ben Folds Five Frisbee
For just five dollars, presumably American, you can wait weeks for your very own rather cheap piece of plastic to turn up, probably broken, on your doorstep... with Ben Folds Five written on it!

I just don't get it. I, first off, don't really get wearing clothing with band names written on them, but I sort of understand wanting to show your love of a group. Stickers I definitely get. My "Thermals" sticker, which came with my purchase of the newest album (along with a lovely thank you note from Saddle Creek) is the big decision of my day. On my laptop? My desk? My Discman? Decisions, decisions. But a fucking frisbee? I don't get it.

2. Ben Kweller 2012 Silkscreen
For $25, presumably American. you can own one of a limited run of 500 Ben Kweller 2012 silkscreens. What gets me about this product isn't the format or the limited edition shit. Actually have a look at this product. I'm not a long-time fan of Kweller, and only really got into his stuff through The Bens, but through all my research, that design is not a cover of an album. It's just a rather plain pattern in black and white with Kweller's name and last year printed on it. It's like buying the goddamn BFF frisbee and finding out instead of a piano motif thing, it was just Ben Folds Five written in permanent marker on a white frisbee. It might be neat handwriting, but you feel like any band name could be put there.

3. Scissor Sisters Scissor Dog T-Shirt
...so I expected some weird stuff on the Scissor Sisters website. The red underwear? Par for the course.  Scissor Sisters Christmas cards? Why not. I actually really like this store and site. My god, if it had any personality it would implode. Individual and functional. It's everything I want the Ben Folds site to be... with less underwear.

Moving on to the dog shirts. What gets me is the age range. Forgive me for stereotyping, but I presume the majority for this group is young people. The age range I assume puts clothes on animals is significantly older. I can't really make any big remark. The Scissor Sisters have made a career from being individual. How can I be surprised when the do something unexpected?

4. The Living End Scarf
Sure, it's no dog t-shirt, but there is something just a little odd about this item. I think I can put it down to the fact that this scarf is red, white and black with The Living End written in red and white all over it. And yet is is $30 (presumably Australian). I just can't see why something so simply patterned is so expensive. Also, I don't see this group (who, for those who aren't familiar, have a very Green Day sound to them) having that many fans who decide they need to keep warm and make a statement about their taste in music. Besides that, most Aussie scarves are just football team colours. I was debating putting a The Living End stubby holder here, but it was well made, individual and much cheaper. Plus, drinking with this kind of music makes sense.

5. Maroon 5 Wristband
Well, time to move from groups I really like selling odd things to a group I really despise. I liked Maroon 5's first two albums, but modern Maroon 5 (or as I believe Todd in the Shadows put it, Adam Levine and the Maroon 4) is an irritating, repetitive and pointless shill of a musical entity. And as such, they actually get three entries, each winning an award. The first award is the award for pure, unadulterated laziness. This is a wristband with Maroon 5 written on it. Done. Simple, huh? Sure, it has the Ben Folds Frisbee problem of being more of an on-site impulse buy rather than an online purchase. Why do I call it lazy then? Really, it's just a simple idea. My problem: it's $10 (presumably American). I extremely doubt that includes shipping. That wristband is worth 50c max. Putting a piece of shit band name on it does not increase it's value, especially not by that much. Fuck. Me.

6. Maroon 5 Payphone Headset.
You need to click that link. To understand any of what I'm going to say, you need to click tat link and look at that...thing. Go. Now. Do. It. Done? Sweet. So, the second Maroon 5 award is given on the grounds of utter pointlessness. I don't have a mobile phone, so I don't know if it's too light or small, or anything of the sort. What I do know is that nobody carries a goddamn headset with them around town. Why? Because it somewhat defeats the mobile part of mobile phones. So, for home use? Well, I may be old fashioned, but we call them FUCKING PHONES. This device is pointless, Maroon 5 or not. Let's just rattle off the rest. $30? No. Terrible font that is nearly impossible to read from even a short distance? That's there. Finally, a product that is the dictionary definition of gimmick? Well done, Maroon 5 store.

7. Maroon 5 Payphone Single Tee
Yeah, it's a t-shirt. It's a t-shirt. How did they fuck up a t-shirt? The award for this one? The award for unintelligible product. Click that link, por favor. See the shirt? Sure, now I've mentioned Maroon 5 and Payphone, you get it. Now, if you saw someone at school, work, the shops, dinner, whatever, wearing that shirt, how the hell would you work that out? Why is "aroon" too long to shove in there? How does a headset imply "payphone"? It could be any kind of phone! My final question... why is the phone melting? $15. Go nuts.

8. Powderfinger Thongs
Back to good music. What do I need to say? There are thongs that say "Powderfinger: Bless my sole." I don't know how to attack this one. Let's start with the lesser of two stupids. "Bless my sole?" Yes, a pun on the 2004 single, "Bless my Soul." I just... don't know anymore. Now, the big stupid. You can't read thongs people are wearing. There. Let me say it again. You can't read thongs people are wearing. Top: covered by foot. Bottom: Covered by ground. Sides: too small. Best case scenario, you have feet small enough to make out the "Bless my Sole" part at the bottom. Without the Powderfinger part, it just seems like a strange, pointless pun. What more can I say? ....I miss Powderfinger.

Done. I have just one more link today, from the REM store. Mouse over the Americas, and it will say North/South America & Australia store. I'm going to italicise the idiocy to emphasise my statement. If you click on Australia, you are not actually taken to the Australia store. Fuck you, REM store, and fuck your geography. Also, clicking on the non-Americas world will take you to a 404 Page not found error. Why. do. you. have. that. option. if. you .don't. have. another. store. Fuck. you. HARD.

Feedback welcome.

H. Rourke.